Welcome to The Political Thesaurus

Contrary to popular belief, ‘Roget’s Thesaurus’ is not, in fact, a delightfully charming story about a French speaking dinosaur, but a studiously and painstakingly compiled list of synonyms and antonyms, providing invaluable assistance for those what want to write words good, and that!!

Even less well-known, believe it or not, is the fact that a very special, very specific version of this ‘tool for budding lexicographers’ has been available to “Politicos”, for aeons, allowing them to distract and mislead, and then, if necessary, subsequently justify language that those of us not in possession of said book would clearly consider lies – providing hitherto unknown definitions of their words and phrases.

Examples of usage can be found as far back as Nero (‘Fire?, nah, don’t know what you’re on about mate – now, how’s this for a choon!!’), traced through Nixon (‘I am not a crook’ – where a crook is a shepherds staff, obviously), and more recently made a massive comeback during the reign of Messrs Tony and George (anything to do with ‘mass destruction’ or indeed the very fabric of “time” being the most obvious examples!).

And it’s not just those paragons of virtue actually elected to public office that have access to this book. Oh no!! Journalists seem to have managed to blag a copy too (unconfirmed reports suggest that it came free with ‘how to misinterpret statistics and extrapolate from stuff like nobody’s fucking business’).

So anyways, this being the age of the internet, and, more recently, leaky-leaky type shenanigans, we here at ‘The Political Thesaurus’ have decided to get in on the act. At great risk to our own personal safety (paper cuts and the like!), we have managed to obtain a copy of this top-secret tome (which, to be fair, somebody helpfully left in the lavatory of the 18:03 from Euston St.).

As and when we feel we are safe to do so, we shall endeavour to highlight and dissect the messages given us, the general public, by the politicians, be it directly, or via the interpretive medium of ‘journalism’.

Make no mistake, this will, undoubtedly, see us the target of some vicious and co-ordinated attacks from those who just don’t want you to know this shit, yet undaunted, we will persevere, against all enemies to truth, all agents of lies and misrepresentation, and against those who wish to damage and denigrate the good name of we who seek only transparency and justice.

(That said, allow me to pre-emptively declare that any allegations involving any TPT staff members, a pot noodle and copy of Smash Hits are a bunch of fucking lies...)

That, good people, is our mission statement - Our call to arms, and our invitation to you, lovers of truth, to join us. Welcome to The Political Thesaurus!!

Wednesday, 22 December 2010

Cable and Hunt

So there we are, packing up the TPT office, post-Christmas party, haggling away over how much it would cost for security to not “youtube” the CCTV footage, and up steps Vince Cable, hell-bent on scuppering our vacation plans.

(It actually turns out we’ve been massively over-thinking this political subversion lark – all we really need do, apparently, is ask a politician a fairly inane set of questions, and then record the subsequent self-immolation on our Nokia Gooseberries).

Anyways, in the fall-out from his Grand Fenwickian declaration of war, Vincey-baby has found himself removed from any future involvement in the “Murdoch Case”, replaced, ably we’re sure, by Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt (whose parents, incidentally, were both extremely prescient and big fans/scholars of cockney-rhyming slang!).

This move, in fairness, was somewhat necessary after News Corp expressed “shock and dismay”, and suggested that Cable’s remarks had raised “serious questions about fairness and due process”, and, to be honest, was completely understandable in the circumstances.

BUT, before we all start high-fiving each other over this apparent triumph of the British sense of fair play, let’s just take a minute to look at the new, improved “fairness” v 2.0.

Because here’s Jeremy Hunt, back in 2008 in an interview with Broadcast Magazine, stating that

“ we should recognise that [Uncle Rupe] has probably done more to create variety and choice in Britain than any other single person...We would be poorer and wouldn’t be saying that British TV is the envy of the world if it wasn’t for him..”

Now, setting aside, for a second, the fact that this statement’s wrong on about eleventy-billion different levels (excepting, of course, the televisual tour de force that was ‘Britain’s Hardest Squirrels’), you do have to question whether such an apparently sycophantic fuck-muppet’s the right person to provide that aforementioned “fairness”, right!?

Well, as it happens, “Fairness” in the TPT, actually means ‘Fair, but in a very specific direction, and as long as it results in 285 channels showing endless repeats of 'Kirsty’s Home Videos', 'Dream Team', and news programmes starring Richard-Fucking-Littlejohn as the poor man’s Glenn Beck”!

Funny that............

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