Welcome to The Political Thesaurus

Contrary to popular belief, ‘Roget’s Thesaurus’ is not, in fact, a delightfully charming story about a French speaking dinosaur, but a studiously and painstakingly compiled list of synonyms and antonyms, providing invaluable assistance for those what want to write words good, and that!!

Even less well-known, believe it or not, is the fact that a very special, very specific version of this ‘tool for budding lexicographers’ has been available to “Politicos”, for aeons, allowing them to distract and mislead, and then, if necessary, subsequently justify language that those of us not in possession of said book would clearly consider lies – providing hitherto unknown definitions of their words and phrases.

Examples of usage can be found as far back as Nero (‘Fire?, nah, don’t know what you’re on about mate – now, how’s this for a choon!!’), traced through Nixon (‘I am not a crook’ – where a crook is a shepherds staff, obviously), and more recently made a massive comeback during the reign of Messrs Tony and George (anything to do with ‘mass destruction’ or indeed the very fabric of “time” being the most obvious examples!).

And it’s not just those paragons of virtue actually elected to public office that have access to this book. Oh no!! Journalists seem to have managed to blag a copy too (unconfirmed reports suggest that it came free with ‘how to misinterpret statistics and extrapolate from stuff like nobody’s fucking business’).

So anyways, this being the age of the internet, and, more recently, leaky-leaky type shenanigans, we here at ‘The Political Thesaurus’ have decided to get in on the act. At great risk to our own personal safety (paper cuts and the like!), we have managed to obtain a copy of this top-secret tome (which, to be fair, somebody helpfully left in the lavatory of the 18:03 from Euston St.).

As and when we feel we are safe to do so, we shall endeavour to highlight and dissect the messages given us, the general public, by the politicians, be it directly, or via the interpretive medium of ‘journalism’.

Make no mistake, this will, undoubtedly, see us the target of some vicious and co-ordinated attacks from those who just don’t want you to know this shit, yet undaunted, we will persevere, against all enemies to truth, all agents of lies and misrepresentation, and against those who wish to damage and denigrate the good name of we who seek only transparency and justice.

(That said, allow me to pre-emptively declare that any allegations involving any TPT staff members, a pot noodle and copy of Smash Hits are a bunch of fucking lies...)

That, good people, is our mission statement - Our call to arms, and our invitation to you, lovers of truth, to join us. Welcome to The Political Thesaurus!!

Sunday, 19 December 2010

This Shit Writes Itself!

Sometimes, we come across stuff that requires such a minimal amount of work on our part, stuff so obviously, blatantly daft, that we put them in a ‘this shit writes itself’ file.

The following ‘story’ is most certainly an example of one of these, and, handily, also serves as a bit of a ‘fuck you!’ to all our detractors and haters, many of whom doubt the very existence of The Political Thesaurus.

So here, for your reading pleasure is “Chaos Theory”, coalition style.

Currently, as part of the new ‘big society’ meme presently propping up the east-wing of Coalition HQ, Cameron and Clegg have been dead keen to push their vision of ‘localism’, arguing that it's a brilliant and original way to combat the evils of central planning. It’s not necessarily a bad idea in itself (although, when we run it through TPT, it does offer ‘every fucker for themselves, except stunningly Tory areas, obviously’), but understandably, some are uneasy about the consequences of such a drastic step.

Indeed, some predict ‘chaos’, and then, understanding chaos, like most of us would, as ‘a state of utter confusion’, legitimately question such a strategy.

Enter Nicholas Boles, Tory MP for Grantham and Stamford, a man so beloved amongst governmenty types because he’s an “outrider” (TPT = ‘someone who talks and thinks in bollocks’), to clear up any confusion and lingering doubts.

When pressed about whether such an approach would cause chaos, he responded thusly:

"I mean, bluntly, there comes a question in life. Do you believe planning works? That clever people sitting in a room can plan how people's communities should develop, or do you believe it can't work? I believe it can't work, David Cameron believes it can't, Nick Clegg believes it can't........

*Drum roll.............*

Chaotic therefore in our vocabulary is a good thing”.

Confused? Well, he goes further:

"Chaotic is what our cities are when we see how people live, where restaurants spring up, where they close, where people move to. Would you like to live in a world where you could predict any of that? I certainly wouldn't. So I want there to be chaotic in the sense I want lots of organisations doing different things, in different areas."

There you go, folks, conclusive proof that The Political Thesaurus exists. And that it’s being used. Because, even though every single one of us here would pick up a dictionary or thesaurus and get the distinct impression that ‘chaos’ implies, at best, a state of affairs that would prove a wee bit troubling, Nicholas Boles reckons it’s ‘a good thing’, having as it does, something to do with millions of restaurants opening, or some such shit......!!

No comments:

Post a Comment